In April, I wrote this post about dreaming about what comes next. In the months since – I started thinking about the future, dreaming, and applying for jobs. But, without any job offers and only one interview, I grew a little discouraged. At every turn I felt like I missed opportunities to move out of the area and into my next career. Beyond what I hope it means for my career – I also hope this change opens the door to meet someone. As in – someone to build a life with. The pickins’ are slim up in this joint (haha).
Now that I’m nearing the end of a work “project,” I truly have the full freedom to pursue a move out of state – or even the country – I’m nervous about taking the first steps. But I’m ready for something new. Have you ever felt that? Maybe I’d describe it as being certain that you need something new, but the path you’re taking to where you want to go, isn’t quite certain.
What I know for certain is that I no longer have a passion for what I’m doing. I once did. I probably still would. But with changes beyond my control, to the program I’ve given much of my adult life to, it’s not the same. But I’ve felt the pull to move on to something different, for some time. I found the dream in 2019. It was the right job, but the wrong place. That is what I dream of now – getting back to that place. I’m going to follow my passion. And while I don’t know exactly how all of this will come together, I do know the pieces will fall into place soon.
What has helped you gain clarity, when you’ve been on the precipice of major change? What advice have you been given or used, for planning major life change?
I listen to Being Well, a podcast by Dr. Rick Hanson and his son Forrest, often. Recently, they aired an episode that is helping form the foundation for how I will make decisions in the near future. I’ll be listening again this week. The title is, “How to Make a Big Decision.” If you are interested, you can find it here.
I’m waiting in a parking lot for my boss’s father in law to drop off some food we will be serving at upcoming events. Sounds weird without more context, I’m sure. But as I wait, I’m thinking a lot about the next month ahead. There will be more opportunities than I can count, to let go, practice mindfulness, and work on meditating my way through what will be some challenging circumstances. In these quiet few minutes while I wait, I wanted to share this podcast, which has helped me today, to know when to let go.
I listen to it often. This one hit in just the right spot. There are a number of things, people, and circumstances I need to let go of. What I appreciated about this particular episode was the way that they addressed the fact that there are absolutely times when we need to let go and walk away. And times when we do need to stick it out. But – our American mindset of never give up, can sometimes be unhealthy.
I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve wanted to – but it hasn’t been there. The words are jumbled in my head. I couldn’t quite get them to flow to my fingertips. There have been some tough things going on. If I didn’t work where I work, I might share. Maybe they’ll appear in a book someday (people who have been mean to me should watch out – haha). I haven’t been able to work on the novels, either. Last weekend, I got a stack of books at the library on our local military installation. I came home and read non-stop (except to sleep) the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday. It was glorious. I read more this week than I have in ages (after work). I come home and climb into bed to read. The TV hasn’t been on much. It has been restful in that sense.
The energy to work on the novels has been missing. The inspiration feels a little lost in the challenges of the day to day. In other news, my muse is being a real $%&* and doesn’t feel like coming out to play. But one thing I’ve learned lately is to accept what is in the moment. There’s so much freedom in that. I don’t feel much desire to coax it out of me. I’m dealing with a bunch of stuff I’d rather not. Why beat myself up if I don’t feel it right now?
That said, I’m making an attempt this evening, whilst making a cake and potato salad (haha), to do a little reading in my manuscript, with the hopes I can get the juices flowing again. But I will say that if it doesn’t happen, I’m not putting many “shoulds” on me going forward.
So I guess that’s what this little post is about – don’t should on yourself. There’s so much pressure around us to be and do things that others think we should do and be. We do it to ourselves, too. I can’t do that anymore. The pressure I’ve placed on myself is not pressure that needed to be placed on me.
So tonight, if I end up climbing in bed to read more of Beach Music, that’s the way it goes. A lot has happened. I don’t know what the future holds. I mean, I know what I want. What will actually be? No clue. I have carried more than I needed to. I’m certain others can relate. So I’m sharing here to encourage you to do the same – don’t should on yourself.
As for the song, I’m all over the place right now – uncertain about the future, missing what’s missing, and a little confused. But I have a high hope. Things don’t make sense now. But I’m certain they will. So while I’m waiting for the picture to be more clear, I’ll keep hoping and praying for what I’ve waited for, for so long.
“Know you’re coming from a bad place Honey, I was there just yesterday So I know the time it’s gonna take For you to feel like you again
Wonder if you’re seeing colours yet And if your spirit needs a tourniquet ‘Cause if it does I can hold you tight enough Help you forget ’em for a minute, love I know you got a heart of gold You wear it like an olden rose
I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope We can climb this burning rope And I’ll be here if you need me If you don’t, just know I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope”
Yesterday, I shared about being stuck. I interviewed for a job in South Carolina last week. I found out today, that I didn’t get it. The thing is, I’ve been trying to work myself into a new career for quite some time. In my current role, what I write and share is becoming more challenging. And I haven’t even gotten to what I really need to write and share. Never mind the fact that I feel the current career is not compatible with the family life I’ve waited and prayed for for so long. And yet, I feel strongly that leaving my current career path – that I can’t seem to move out of – is part of me fulling stepping into my calling in life. Isn’t that weird?
There are other things that I think might fall into place if I change roles, too. I’m stuck in many different ways. It feels a little like torture. I know that the popular thing is to say is that a closed door means something isn’t meant for you. And while I’d agree that maybe that specific job isn’t meant for me – what the overall goal is? No dude. Those closed doors are not indications that I’m barking up the wrong tree with my calling and what I’m meant to do and be.
If you’re in a similar position where your dream continues to be pushed back – or in part anyway – keep pressing. I have had to work through plenty of discouraging barbs today as I think about why I’m still where I’m at. I don’t understand. It’s rough. But I wanted to share a little encouragement, because I sure needed it. I’m sure someone else does, too.
There’s an account I follow on Instagram (@wetheurban). There are often super encouraging tidbits posted each day. But here’s the one that blessed me this afternoon, “Free yourself from worrying your mind about ‘how it was supposed to be’ and try to practice non-attachment. You’re a river, not a rock.”
I hope that someone, somewhere finds that encouraging. I did.
1. I am trying to get back into a regular exercise routine. Lordy it has been too long. You gotta start somewhere though, right? I’m severely anemic and have to get IV iron infusions several times a year. I should probably get more than that. Anywho, when you’re anemic at just basic levels, you can have major fatigue. I am like realllllyyyy low on iron. I had this feeling that if I could get myself moving after this last bit of iron, I might be able to establish enough of a habit, that by the time my iron started dipping again, I would feel so good from exercising (and noticing the losing of inches) that I’d push through. I am a long way from walking 4 miles a day and being in the gym 6 days a week (like the olden days). I know how good I feel when I do, however. Can you relate? What do you use to keep yourself motivated? I need to combine some yoga in there now. I’ve only got 3.3 miles in this week, so far, but hey – that’s 3.3 more than last week. 🙂
2. My dog is a runner. She loves to run and run and run. And then she will gladly sleep 18 or more hours a day. 🙂 She has enjoyed the walks, in spite of teetering on the edge of her senior years and being sick not all that long ago. But today, she saw a little boy – who just so happened to look like “our” boy. My (foster) son is black and the little boy we saw was also black and about the size of my (foster) son when he left. If you’re new here, I was expecting to adopt my (foster) son. She does this funny little hop, skip thing when she’s happy or sees kids playing (she loves kids). I don’t know how to explain it, but you’ll just have to trust me. She saw the boy and she just knew it was him. She tried multiple times to pull me in his direction. She used to do this a lot more – after he first left. It’s less frequent now, but it still happens. I was teary-eyed. But it also made me appreciate this crazy dog of mine. She loved him so much. He was her boy. She wouldn’t forgive me for at least a year after he left. She didn’t want a thing to do with me (not kidding). About a year ago, she changed her mind and she’s cool with me again. That little boy was her life. She’s a weird and precious dog. 🙂
3. I entered a writing related contest and didn’t win. I was strangely bummed out by this. But then I woke up Wednesday morning and I was feeling pretty good. I woke up feeling better about a lot of things – most of them are things I can’t even remotely control – like work situations & how someone does/does not feel about you. It was a rough 2-3 weeks here recently. I think I’ve turned the corner. This brings me to my number 4…