“Looks like you got me where you want me
So go ahead and roll up your web
The best things in life are hard to come by
But sometimes the best things come from accidents”
-David Ramirez
I fell in love with him slowly and against my will. I fought it. I fought him. He is a fire – a slow burning fire that eventually consumed me like a hillside wildfire. When California welcomes the month of September, the devil winds whip up, the air turns drier, and the chapparal lights up quickly. Nature does its thing, without regard to the perfectly manicured lawns and mini mansions that litter the hills. One spark and a city is on fire.
I am on fire, like the hillsides at home. He ignited it and left me here smoldering while he talks of things I’ll never have. I longed for his bed, his name, his nights and mornings – to run my fingers through his hair when it grows long and to know all of his nothings and everythings. He knows this. And yet he speaks of things that make me ache.
What cruelty is this? I knew I was in trouble the way he looked at me one afternoon. I knew what awaited me. I said to myself, “Oh no. Not this again.” I promised the broken girl, fighting for her very life – nothing good will come of this. You will be heartbroken.
I am a scorched and blackened hillside. I am rummaging through what’s left, to reconstruct my heart. The thing he didn’t know when he played around with it, is that I have risen from the ashes before. I live with courage draped around me like jewels. I am fed by the nutrients that live under the black layer, now free to nourish & grow in the wake of devastation.
I am the lover he wants and will never have. I am the lover who cannot be compared to any other. He appears to have made his choice. And while I sift through this sooty mess, I rebuild a body he’ll never possess and a heart consumed with a love he’ll always want, but chose not to protect.
