Sunday is the ever so weekly reminder that the work week has returned and I’m being drawn away from what I most want to be doing.
It’s Sunday night again. If you were here, our lazy day of rest would turn into a relaxed evening as we cook together. We would turn on the music and talk our way through our plans for the week.
You are the calm to my storm. You are my deep breath. Sunday night if you were here, your larger than life presence filling up this small space, I would think twice as I watch you washing dishes, about complaining that Monday is on our heels.
It has taken us so long to get to this moment. I don’t want to take a single second for granted. In the mundane of this every day moment, while you wash dishes, and I finish making our meal, I am reminded that this is everything I’ve ever wanted as quiet and normal as it is.
Sunday night if you were here, you would be another reminder of how the days and weeks conspire, with God’s hand on it all, to bring us exactly where we are meant to be, at exactly the right moment in time.
It is summer. Eastern Carolina is a sight to behold in the summer, even more so on the coast where the air is like a sultry, sexy Flamenco. It just seeps way down deep into your bones. The light in the early evening is like this living thing. It almost breathes. Deep. It wraps me up – safe and content.
He, the beautiful man of the hard way, is a challenge I am sometimes convinced I can’t meet. Even after all these years. Today, in a quiet moment in the midst of a busy day, I thought about the way his eyes hold mine. There has been fire and light for me in his eyes – for me, for as long as I can remember. Me. His fierceness lights me from the inside out with just one look. In the middle of an everyday moment, I look up to see his eyes on me. And there in that moment when I’m nothing special on my own and living in the mundane, I am all there is in his eyes. I am the only one in a room filled with people.
And then as quickly as he is fierce and passion, strength and fire, he is vulnerable. His tenderness for me still churns my insides like it did from the beginning. In those moments, I think I love him more than I knew was possible. On nights like these when the lightening bugs pop and flash in the approaching night, as we sit quietly on the porch, I’m overwhelmed by the beauty of it all. There is stillness and quiet between us just like it used to be in the beginning, when he said all he needed to without a word spoken. The heat surrounds us in spite of the encroaching darkness. The rising moon isn’t bringing relief from the swelter.
But somehow, in spite of the sweat that trickles, and the air thick, all I can think about is the way fire and heat burn off the dross. We have been tried and tested in the fire. In the quiet, he reaches over and takes my hand in his. Ten years and a handful of days after the first time he did that very thing, it lights me up inside. Still. I close my eyes, lay my head back, and breathe deeply of the contentment that comes from loving him above myself – even when we do it the hard way. Even when we are tested in the fire.
For the longest time, I tried to make excuses. I figured that there had to be more.
Why? Because nothing made sense. I lived everyday with this confusion hanging over my head and the belief that somehow, somewhere this would all make sense.
But I’m tired of making excuses and I’m tired of trying to make sense of that which will never make sense.
The man I need in my life is allin. He chases me down and won’t let go. The man I need in my life is careful with my heart and doesn’t run over it.
The man I need in my life won’t lie to me or hide the truth from me. The man I need in my life will cherish me. The man I need in my life won’t continually hurt my heart, even after I’ve asked for a reprieve.
Relationships aren’t easy. Marriage will take work. I am a romantic at heart but I know it won’t always be easy. And there will be days and weeks when choosing agape love for my husband will be hard – when the romance and feelings wane.
But, even still, there are some basics I can’t and won’t compromise on. I made excuses for so long. I can’t make them anymore.
The man who will choose me, will choose a woman who will love him unconditionally, fiercely, and find new ways to build him up when he feels knocked down.
I know what I bring to the table. So I’m tired of making excuses and chasing down any man that’s not allin for me. The one who is, will never regret that. But until he’s all in, he’s not the one I’ve waited and prayed for, for so long.
Still somewhere choosing your words carefully, I presume?
There’s a hole here in this big house. It feels even bigger than normal.
There are things I’d like to do with you.
I’d like to cook an extravagant dinner with you, music playing, and candles burning.
I’d like to argue debate pointless & meaningless things with you because you make me laugh when you’re trying to be right & stick to a point for no reason.
I’d like us to unwind from a long day on the back porch, drinks in our hands, and a fire burning in the fire pit.
I’d like to raise some kids with you.
I’d like to find new ways to find each other, when the romance wanes and life gets hard.
I’d like to feel safe with you.
I’d like to curl up next to you, in our big bed – settling in beside you – the only person I want to share a bed with, for the rest of my life.
I’d like to camp with you, beside the ocean or in the mountains. I grew up doing this and there is nothing better than to wake up on a cool summer morning, the scent of our campfire still clinging to the air.
I’d like to make you laugh for the rest of my life. Or at least until I turn into a senile old lady (haha). But more important, I want to laugh with you. It’s the way we will get through.
It’s Valentine’s Day. It’s a day I like to make fun of since I’m here alone and you’re . . . there doing whatever it is you’re doing (torturing me with all this waiting).
Though I am a true and sometimes hopeless romantic, I hope we’ll find romance in the normal, nothing exciting days.
You should always know I love you. I should always know you love me. Why do we have to wait for a specific day to do something special for each other?
Romance looks a little different to everyone. For me, romance is in the quiet, nothing exciting moments like when you bring me a cup of coffee on a day I’m not super excited about getting out of bed.
Or maybe while I’m upstairs giving the kids a bath, you do the dishes – your least favorite task because you love your tired wife. When I find you there doing the dishes, I won’t feel quite as tired because you’re doing this sweet thing for me. I will know you treasure me, even when I’m at the end of a long day.
I love flowers. But a dozen red roses on Valentine’s Day seems like a waste of money. But a pretty bunch of gerbera daises on a random Monday would be amazing. Or daffodils or wildflowers sold at the grocery store – maybe because I had a bad day. Or maybe there’s no reason at all.
Sitting by a fire in our backyard, the white lights you hung up for me (even though you thought it was dumb) twinkle while we sit. With adult beverages in hand we talk about nothing and everything – our norm. And of course, there’s the whole laughter thing. You make me laugh. And making you laugh is one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. For real. It makes me so happy. That’s romance to me. Why? Because you’re my best friend and the love of my life. There is no one I enjoy spending more time with, than you.
Cooking a meal together with candles burning and music playing is romance. I hope you’re a good eater (haha) because I love to cook.
There are countless ways to show our love and respect for each other. I want to date you for the rest of my life. And that means working toward finding new ways to show you how much I love and respect you. I don’t need a date on the calendar to do it.