The Trouble With Wanting

“And if you never come back
If you never call
I say I’ll understand when I don’t at all

‘Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time”
– Joy Williams

I don’t understand. I don’t think I ever will. But I’m certain, somewhere in the quiet places, I’ll always miss you. Around dark corners, when the busy days grow quiet – I will wonder. I will think of you.

These days, when the day fades, in the quiet of these humid summer evenings, I wish to understand. But the artist in me knows that the beauty in life, is often found in the grey. In the hazy spaces, where things don’t make sense, is where life grows deeply vibrant. Pain turns to growth. We find truth, art, beauty. It’s sometimes buried deep – but by God – it’s there.

My greatest joy has always been born from pain.

I am not sure I’ll ever understand. But I’ve certainly learned, in a way that makes me a better version of me, from what I’ve lost or don’t understand. And you, the man I’d burn it all down for, are no different.

“There are more questions than answers. In the beauty of this wild thing, I long for you. What is and will not be follows me around like a coastal fog. Through the haze I see you. I don’t hold it against you – you can’t tame wild things.

I live here in this tension, with what will not be, settling into the cold, wild – alone.”

I don’t hold it against you.

But, I think somewhere in my heart, I will always miss you.

Where the Light Gets In

Opals, elaina avalos, elaina m. avalos, where the light gets in

If God but cares for our inward and eternal life, if by all the experiences of this life He is reducing it and preparing for its disclosure, nothing can befall us but prosperity. Every sorrow shall be but the setting of some luminous jewel of joy. Our very morning shall be but the enamel around the diamond; our very hardships but the metallic rim that holds the opal, glancing with strange interior fires.

— Henry Ward Beecher

Twelve months and change – my, how my world has changed. The clock was ticking then. I should have known the confusion swirling around me, would lead me here. If I could do it over again, I would see my blind spots, the fissures you invaded and filled – and instead of letting my guard down, I’d shine extra light on those holey spaces. Breathing in my worthiness, because of Grace. Breathing in a love I deserve. There’s no time like the present though. I breathe in the hope and exhale the confusion. I breathe in the worthiness inherent in me – for the love I’ve waited for. I breathe out the rejection. I breathe in, peace. I exhale out a need to understand. In these holy spaces, where the light reflects off of the fissures in my heart, I know I’m only becoming the best version of myself. Whether I walk this path alone or another meets me along the way, the cracks are where the light gets in. Like the opal, it’s those fissures and light, that make me beautiful.

Know When to Let Go

I’m waiting in a parking lot for my boss’s father in law to drop off some food we will be serving at upcoming events. Sounds weird without more context, I’m sure. But as I wait, I’m thinking a lot about the next month ahead. There will be more opportunities than I can count, to let go, practice mindfulness, and work on meditating my way through what will be some challenging circumstances. In these quiet few minutes while I wait, I wanted to share this podcast, which has helped me today, to know when to let go.

I listen to it often. This one hit in just the right spot. There are a number of things, people, and circumstances I need to let go of. What I appreciated about this particular episode was the way that they addressed the fact that there are absolutely times when we need to let go and walk away. And times when we do need to stick it out. But – our American mindset of never give up, can sometimes be unhealthy.

Navigating which is which could be tricky. But I think Dr. Hanson gave some great pointers for figuring out what could be yellow or red flags to help you determine when to let go, walk away, etc. The direct link is: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936?i=1000528595921.

I hope you find it helpful. I did.

International Kissing Day

International Kissing Day, Elaina Avalos, Elaina M. Avalos, pexels-edward-eyer

Apparently, today is “International Kissing Day.” Who comes up with these days, anyway? Kissing, I feel you should know, is a favorite activity of mine. But, I’m not doing any kissing on International Kissing Day which is a damn shame. I am working on a novel again, however (thank you, sweet baby Jesus). As I write a new love story, (the secondary plot) and think up ways to draw these two together, I’m personally feeling a little neglected in the romance department (haha). Because I write about love and relationships, I’m always looking for inspiration anywhere I can find it (since romance in my real life is non-existent).

Here are some favorite quotes about kissing & a couple favorite scenes from my favorite fictional movie characters:

“Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.” ― Sylvia Plath

“Now a soft kiss – Aye, by that kiss, I vow an endless bliss.” ― John Keats

“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind (Rhett is terribly misunderstood & was far too good for Scarlett)

“When my date takes me home and kisses me good night, if I don’t hear the philharmonic in my head, I dump him.” — The Mirror Has Two Faces

“I didn’t want to kiss you goodbye — that was the trouble — I wanted to kiss you good night — and there’s a lot of difference.”
― Ernest Hemingway

“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.”
― Ingrid Bergman

And my favorite: “I’m so glad they still work. I haven’t used them for kissing in such a long time, more like for wearing lipstick and whistling.” — Diane Keaton in Something’s Gotta Give

If you’re a female that grew up in the 80s (and 90s too) and you don’t adore Anne & Gilbert, from Anne of Green Gables, I’m taking your chick card.
The friendship between Kathleen & Joe in You’ve Got Mail, is one of my all-time favorite romance/friendships in a movie.
Great, great line. Also, poor Rhett. He deserved better.

Have any favorite love stories from books or on screen, that you’d care to add to my list?

Don’t Should On Yourself

I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve wanted to – but it hasn’t been there. The words are jumbled in my head. I couldn’t quite get them to flow to my fingertips. There have been some tough things going on. If I didn’t work where I work, I might share. Maybe they’ll appear in a book someday (people who have been mean to me should watch out – haha). I haven’t been able to work on the novels, either. Last weekend, I got a stack of books at the library on our local military installation. I came home and read non-stop (except to sleep) the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday. It was glorious. I read more this week than I have in ages (after work). I come home and climb into bed to read. The TV hasn’t been on much. It has been restful in that sense.

The energy to work on the novels has been missing. The inspiration feels a little lost in the challenges of the day to day. In other news, my muse is being a real $%&* and doesn’t feel like coming out to play. But one thing I’ve learned lately is to accept what is in the moment. There’s so much freedom in that. I don’t feel much desire to coax it out of me. I’m dealing with a bunch of stuff I’d rather not. Why beat myself up if I don’t feel it right now?

That said, I’m making an attempt this evening, whilst making a cake and potato salad (haha), to do a little reading in my manuscript, with the hopes I can get the juices flowing again. But I will say that if it doesn’t happen, I’m not putting many “shoulds” on me going forward.

So I guess that’s what this little post is about – don’t should on yourself. There’s so much pressure around us to be and do things that others think we should do and be. We do it to ourselves, too. I can’t do that anymore. The pressure I’ve placed on myself is not pressure that needed to be placed on me.

So tonight, if I end up climbing in bed to read more of Beach Music, that’s the way it goes. A lot has happened. I don’t know what the future holds. I mean, I know what I want. What will actually be? No clue. I have carried more than I needed to. I’m certain others can relate. So I’m sharing here to encourage you to do the same – don’t should on yourself.

As for the song, I’m all over the place right now – uncertain about the future, missing what’s missing, and a little confused. But I have a high hope. Things don’t make sense now. But I’m certain they will. So while I’m waiting for the picture to be more clear, I’ll keep hoping and praying for what I’ve waited for, for so long.

“Know you’re coming from a bad place
Honey, I was there just yesterday
So I know the time it’s gonna take
For you to feel like you again

Wonder if you’re seeing colours yet
And if your spirit needs a tourniquet
‘Cause if it does I can hold you tight enough
Help you forget ’em for a minute, love
I know you got a heart of gold
You wear it like an olden rose

I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope
We can climb this burning rope
And I’ll be here if you need me
If you don’t, just know
I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope”