Category: Words to Live By

Let it Happen

Published on by Elaina M. AvalosLeave a comment

“No, I know
I’m a walking contradiction and it shows
Got a history of being in control
I’m aware that I could end up here alone

But then we spoke
I had a backbone made of glass, and then it broke
Now I stay up and I wait here by the phone
if you’re ready, all I mean is we could go

I’ve never craved someone’s attention
As much as yours, thought I should mention
that

I bet all my money that I will
Lose to you and hand you my life
Here’s to hoping you’re worth all my time”
Lyrics by Gracie Abrams & Aaron Dessner (Aaron, my king – I love you. Lol)

I love, love. I am forever and always a romantic. I write about love and relationships. While not all of the relationships I write about are romantic, they certainly play a huge role.

It’s tough out here for us lovers, sometimes though. I’m not the best at not feeling, not caring, or turning it off. Once I’m there, I’m there (i.e., once I have feelings for you, I’m . . . stuck 🤣). There’s something about Gracie Abrams’ lyrics that hit me in just the right way at the moment.

She sings (read this as one thought/line):

I’ve never craved someone’s attention
As much as yours, thought I should mention
that

I bet all my money that I will
Lose to you and hand you my life
Here’s to hoping you’re worth all my time

When you stand on the edge of interest or infatuation and you sense this thing is developing and your feelings for someone are growing, there’s a moment when you make a decision to jump in or take some steps back. I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about risk versus regret in recent times. A heart that is beaten and bruised reaches a point where it begins to question literally everything. Ev-er-y-thing. What once felt easy and part of the deepest part of you, something you used to love about yourself (i.e., loving and caring easily), transforms into something scary. I am not risk averse. Lately, I’ve been extremely risk averse. I feel trapped there in that place where I fear taking the risks.

But when you’ve lost too much, you question your decisions. You question who you’ve fallen in love with. You question who you chose to trust. You question it all. The problem with this, as I’ve come to accept in recent weeks, is that there are never guarantees in life, love, and relationships. In my heart of hearts I know that it’s possible to find your true companion. I (perhaps far too stubbornly) still believe in the possibility of a soul mate (or more than one in a lifetime). But it’s not easy to reconcile this after heartbreak and then unrelated grief that follows.

My therapist recently said (this is a massive paraphrase) that there may not be a clear timeline of comfort in knowing a person. When do you know – when do you know you’re seeing red flags or interpreting something innocent, through your own trauma and issues? When do you know a person is trustworthy? When do you open yourself to deeper levels of intimacy with someone?

You don’t. There’s no easy answer. There’s no magic formula. I think there are probably some signs. I think there are probably relationships and people we should avoid. But we could also be very wrong and miss out on something or someone that is “worth all my time.” I’ve been guarding my heart, time, and dreams jealously in recent memory. But it’s not really me.

Let it happen. I’ll let it happen. I’ll take the risk and let it happen. Because the alternative is simply unacceptable.

https://youtu.be/6jvGUN4CChU?si=ozrj_aRM8m1SBjru

Grief is Really Just Love

Published on by Elaina M. Avalos1 Comment
Grief Jamie Anderson, grief is really just love, elaina avalos

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson

Today, for the first time since my brother and father passed away, I went to a new doctor. I’m establishing primary care in my new city and I had to answer all of the questions and fill out family history (twice). The wording on this questionnaire hurt my heart and I had to fight back the tears. On this form, it asked for my sibling’s info as well as my parent’s. It asked about their medical history. Checking those boxes was traumatic in a way I didn’t expect. It was harder for my brother – as it always is. My dad was unhealthy for a very long time with multiple hospital stays over recent years. My brother was seemingly healthy and getting healthier all the time. Or so we thought. He was also my younger brother. One never, ever expects to say goodbye to their youngest (and only) sibling.
It has been tough this afternoon and evening to distract myself from the loneliness of facing the death of your only sibling. I will miss him always.

For someone that had one primary dream her entire life (to have a family) – facing the loss of family is deeply painful. We don’t ever fully get over these losses. I believe that completely. I believe the loss changes shape over time, however. Our grief is really just love . . . and because of that, we’re gonna hurt, we’re gonna laugh at the funny memories, and we’re gonna naturally long that it wasn’t a pain we had to know it the first place.

I will always love and miss my brother – he was my only sibling. But grief – while hard to navigate, is also a reminder of how much he was loved, too.

Stay Close to People Who Feel Like Sunshine

Published on by Elaina M. AvalosLeave a comment
stay close to people who feel like sunshine, elaina avalos

It’s been gloomy here on the coast of the Carolinas. I can endure cold, bad weather, and I don’t hate snow or ice. But when it’s dark and you can’t see the sun for days on end, I get a little cranky and uncomfortable. Today, after multiple days of fog, rain, and misty spitting rain (consistently ruining my new haircut) – the sun finally visited. Tonight, it will be 22 and breezy. Tomorrow it will be around 43 & windy – chilly for the coast, for sure. But the sun will be shining and that’s all I care about at this point.

I grew up in Southern California where I’ve jokingly said all of my adult life that we don’t have “weather.” I mean, they don’t really. It’s sunny most of the time and rain is infrequent (except for lately). I love that I now get to live in a place with real weather. But none of this is really the point of my post.

Stay close to people who feel like sunshine.

Have you heard the quote – stay close to people who feel like sunshine? I was thinking about it today as the sun finally made its appearance through the clouds. The joy that fills my heart when I’m around people like this is . . . unmatched. I just want more and more of it. I can’t get enough of it. I can’t get enough of them. This is what it’s like when you find your match – in friendship or in love. They’re like a ray of sunshine that warms you from the inside out – even when it’s cold outside. Even when life is hard and weird and nothing makes sense and you can’t imagine how things will line up and come together, you just want more.

I just want more. Stay close.