“I love you, whatever you do – But I got a life to live too…” – Brandi Carlile
As I wade through my options and look forward to the future – and to building the life I have waited so long for, there is one thing that feels . . . off. I guess it was bound to happen. It doesn’t surprise me that I’d get here – to the fork in the road and feel unsettled – in spite of knowing what I want and sensing the path I need to take to get there. As I hope & pray for a new opportunity – including one that may take me across the country, I know I’m taking more steps toward letting you go.
When I wrote “Wild Things” in August of 2020, I was already predicting this fate. It’s just really hard for me to give up and let go. I suck at it, to be honest. And so, as I throw my heart and soul into pursuing this life I’ve been waiting on, I do so knowing I’m also taking steps that seal my fate – settling into the cold, wild – alone.
A famous literary agent recently wrote a blog post about the need for writers to stop with the random blog posts. Oops. I respect almost everything she has to say. But, if I’m not random, I’m not sure I have anything to say (or write). So whatever.
Yesterday was my 46th birthday. I’m on vacation this week. Vacation seems to connote trips to exotic locales and exciting adventures. I’m at home – near the coast of North Carolina – it’s not exciting or exotic. I’ve napped. I have done ridiculous amounts of laundry (there’s a backstory for this). I re-arranged my living room/dining room/office space, with my mom. I ate at a restaurant I’ve never been to, though I’ve passed by it for 21 years. I’m applying for jobs and praying for God’s will for my career & life. I’ve cleaned up my kitchen, caught up on randomness, and maybe came to terms with all that’s missing.
Tomorrow, I head to the “Wine, Bread, & Cheese” seminar of the Beaufort Wine & Food – Spring Festival. The winery featured tomorrow is Napa Cellars. I can’t say for certain if I’ve ever had any of their wine. But I’m certain I’ll enjoy the pairings. While this year’s event is not at the Watercraft Center (huge bummer), it’s impossible not to love any locale in Beaufort. While we’ve had a cold front blow through and it will be a tad chillier than it has been, the salt air is about all I care about. I live in Beaufort when I first moved back to North Carolina, after a few years at home in California, and I miss it. On Friday and Saturday, I’ll be volunteering at a couple of other events. I am looking forward to that as well.
As my birthday month seems to do (the last six years), I’ve got much to think & dream about. And more to plan. One thing that has come into focus, is how much I’ve held onto the last few years, that I don’t want to hold onto – any longer. Everyone’s way of weeding their way through these types of things is different. I suppose the point at which we’re ready to dispose of them is different for everyone. This is my line in the sand. Tomorrow, I’ll add another. I’ll share that later. All in all, I continue to press forward, hoping someone will finally respond to my resume (so many jobs applied for) and that I might feel a little sense of closure.
No matter what, I’ll just keep plugging away until I know what comes next.
Here’s a bit of the description: On this episode, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson take a deep dive into defining stress, how it functions, how it impacts our lives and bodies, and what we can do to repair from its effects. We discuss how to distinguish stress from effort, the influence of the modern world on how stressed we feel, the various biological mechanisms involved in stress, and the challenges presented by chronic exposure to it. We then consider what we can do to increase resilience, including positively responding to stressors even in the midst of limitations and uncertainty.
This is definitely worth your time. But you will need a little over an hour to tune in. It’s so worth it. I’m already on my second listen. If you’re prone to stress, work in a stressful environment, or just generally feel like your brain and body haven’t caught up after a traumatic or painful event, I think you will get a lot out of this.
Elaina M. Avalos 
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