Don’t talk about forever,
Just put on
Some good music
And lie beside me
For a thousand years.
– Jonny Ox
Don’t Talk About Forever
Tag: Dreams
Life Can Change in an Instant
I took this photo of the last full moon, not knowing then, how quickly things would shift and change in my life. But I’m well acquainted with the split second moments where everything changes. Last year it was my brother’s death, Monday it was my dad going into the hospital. This time, I’m not sure he will make it.
I fly out on Tuesday. And while I have to see my dad and will, there’s a lot of business to deal with and paperwork to track down and phone calls to be made, too. Doing it from here, while I also need to advocate for his care in the ICU, is impossible.
But the moon – that’s where I started. The last full moon was March 7th. In a matter of a few days, things were so different. Life can change in an instant. I know we know this. But we don’t live it.
We live in the past, we live in the future. Last night and early this morning I was anxious about things a week ahead of me. I don’t even know any of those things will happen. None of us knows what the future holds. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to remain grounded in the moment. It’s all we have – all we are guaranteed. I don’t want to lose the opportunities I have in front of me, because I’m way ahead, worrying about what may never come.
Life changes and shifts in an instant. Don’t lose out on living fully, loving hard, taking chances, and telling those you love – that you love and care about them. This all sounds rather cliché, I know. But that’s what you get out of multiple losses & grief packed in tight over a few years. Life is too f-ing short to play small and not chase down what & who you want.
She Walked Alone
Recently, I came across a writer’s Facebook post. She’d shared (here) a post from a professor who wanted students to come up with a six word bio to describe themselves. The professor went first. The bio was, “That beautiful stranger loved me once.” So intriguing. If that was a tag line for a novel, I’d probably buy it.
But I’ve wondered what my six word bio would be. I’ve come up with a few – like the one above. I love with my whole heart. That has always been true. It will always be true.
I had another one that I almost went with. It was, “She walked alone, it’s grown old.” But then I thought maybe that was a little depressing. Depressing but true, so here I am sharing. As modern women, I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to reflect something different – something less emotional and more bullet proof. Right? We’re supposed to live our lives not needing a man for anything. Isn’t that the message?
It’s a whole lot of BS. The truth is, I’ve been alone for long enough. I don’t need to pretend. It’s not a weakness to need community, companionship, love, affection, and to live your life with someone else. I haven’t once and will not ever wait around to pursue what I want. My weekend was characterized by rest, trying to work myself back into an exercise routine, writing, a little cleaning, and today – I cooked all afternoon (which I love to do). In other words, I do my thing and I refuse to be miserable because life isn’t exactly what I envisioned.
It’s not as though I don’t make the most of each moment. I’m working so very hard on that very thing. I wasted too much time in the past. Nonetheless, it has still grown far too old – walking this path alone. I will forever live in each moment, wherever it takes me. I’d just like to do it alongside my best friend and partner. Tell me I’m not the only one. So yeah, I love with my whole heart and walking alone has grown old. Granted, the heartache and alone-ness gave me some good writing fodder. But I have a great imagination so I’d be good with less of that now. 🙂
I’m looking forward to the next adventure (that I hope is around the corner). I hope I’ll be on that adventure with my true companion.
What would your six-word bio be?
Chasing Dreams
Today has been a little rough. I’ve felt it all afternoon – this lingering sadness. I’d been tracking this day for a while. But in my distraction over facing a new week (when I don’t want to), it slipped from the forefront of my mind. But it all came back a little bit ago & now I know why today has been rough. Today marks six months since my baby brother passed away.
His death has been tough to process on so many levels. The thing I keep going back to besides missing him – is how very precious our time is. I make constant excuses. “I’ll start on my plan once I get through holiday events. I’ll make a decision after __. I’ll just stay a little bit longer – it makes the most logical sense.” 🤬👎🏼🤮
But time marches on. I know my brother felt time breathing down his neck, too. He was getting older and faced the need to get healthier. He was pursuing that when he passed away. But he had some things that he hadn’t been able to do yet. I know it weighed on him.
Six months since losing my brother. And time passes on without moves in the direction I want to go in. If there’s anything good that can come from grief and losing your only sibling, I hope it’s that I finally get off my @$& and create the life I know I’m meant to live.
I need to be chasing dreams, not counting down days until my next break from work.
50 by 50
In April 2026, I will turn 50. This year feels like a big birthday, as I turn 45. But gosh, there’s a lot I’ve still got to do before hitting 45 and six weeks won’t do it. So, after a friend posted about her 40 before 40 (that she’s now added a few more items onto for 50 before 50), I’ve decided that I’m going to join in the fun. I am not sure how long it will take me to come up with the full list. Some of this might be ridiculous stuff, big stuff, or things that only matter to me, but I’m starting to work on this list now. I may keep some private. But, I’ll share periodic updates. What would you add to my list? Have you ever done something like this for a milestone birthday? I’d love to hear all about it!
1. Start camping again.
2. Travel to France or Scotland for my 50th birthday (I mean, I’ll take sooner too).
3. Trip to the NC mountains in the autumn.
4. Trip to upstate New York to meet family & see where my grandparents grew up & my mom lived.
5. Fall in love.
6. Start a family. I hear I’m kind of late on this one. Whatever.
7. Get a book contract.
8. Learn Spanish. Like really learn Spanish.
9. Take a dance class (salsa, ballroom, etc).
10. Go to the Pat Conroy Literary Festival in Beaufort, SC.
11. Attend one of the wine dinners at the Beaufort (NC) Wine & Food Festival.
12. Take at least one random (can be a quick day-trip) road trip every few months.
13. Eat at Chef & the Farmer again.
14. Take a few of Chef Marcela’s cooking classes.15. Western NC Winery Trip (preferably soon). 30 April-01 May 202116. Get back to Wolf Trap for a summer concert.
17. Convert website to business plan & learn (really learn) SEO.
18. Make good use of my ridiculous Pinterest time investment.
19. Get a little better with time management (don’t laugh).
20. Finally make a decision about what I want to be when I grow up.
21. Live in a pretty little home with my dream backyard & grow lots of veggies, herbs, and fruit.
22. Hit my target weight (and stay there). I’m on my way having lost 18 pounds so far.
23. Dedicate more time to painting & crafty mccrafterson activities.
24. Cook my way through Deep Run Roots by Chef Vivian Howard (see #13 – that’s her restaurant).
25. Cook my way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I own both books but haven’t cooked enough in either.
26. Get a tattoo.
27. Go skydiving.
28. Get a wedding planning & event planning certificate.
29. Go to Indochine (Thai/Vietnamese restaurant in Wilmington, NC).
30. Visit Ocracoke Island & go shelling.
Okay, I think I have to take a break there. I am sure I have more things to add to my list!
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