This Is Me Trying

“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they’re rusting
I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that
Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could’ve followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don’t quite know what to say
But I’m here in your doorway

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad
I have a lot of regrets about that”
Song by: Jack Antonoff & Taylor Swift

Today’s Surprise songs at the Eras tour, included the mashup (I didn’t know I needed) of “This is Me Trying” and “Labyrinth.”

“This is me trying…” with what little left I have to try with.

“It only feels this raw right now
Lost in the labyrinth of my mind
Break up, break free, break through, break down
You would break your back to make me break a smile
You know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back
Just like that

Uh oh, I’m falling in love
Oh no, I’m falling in love again
Oh, I’m falling in love
I thought the plane was going down
How’d you turn it right around”
Song by: Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff

You Mean Well But Aim Low

This video (premiered today) just makes me love Gracie even more. I feel like I wrote this song.

My favorite lines from this change every time I listen to the album. But here’s the favs today:

“you mean well but aim low
And I’ll make it known like I’m getting paid”

“(You were the best but you were the worst)
(As sick as it sounds, I loved you first)
I wanna speak in code
(I was a dick, it is what it is)
(A habit to kick, the age-old curse)
Hope that I don’t, won’t make it about me
(I tend to laugh whenever I’m sad)
(I stare at the crash, it actually works)
I love you, I’m sorry”
– Lyrics by Gracie Abrams & Aaron Dessner

I Love You, I’m Sorry

Miss Gracie Abrams, this album – I love it so much. I listened all day (until I could tune into Eras).

This is my favorite so far. But “Us” is a close second.

“‘Cause that’s just the way life goes
I push my luck, it shows
Thankful you don’t send someone to kill me
I love you, I’m sorry”
– Gracie Abrams, Audrey Hobert & Aaron Dessner

I love you, I’m sorry.

Just Wondering

I was just wondering . . .

Were you jealous? Did the way he smiled at me make you wonder? Were you uncomfortable with how close I stood to him? Did your mind race? Did it matter that when I stopped talking to him, that the first thing I did was to search for you?

We move in perfect tandem. Have you noticed? Did you know it feels like home? I was just wondering.

When I walked away from him, did you explore my face and eyes for a sign that you’re the one? Does it matter that you are? I was just wondering. Did it matter that I explained? Did it matter that I didn’t want to explain – but did. I owe you nothing. Does that matter to you?

Have you asked yourself how we got here? Did you wonder why you were jealous? You were, weren’t you? Were you uncomfortable that I was with him and not you? I was just wondering.

Do you feel flattered? Will it matter? Will it matter to you that I go home alone? Does that matter to you? I was just wondering.

Each day turns – it’s the same thing over and over – I go on alone. I could solve this matter quickly and easily. I have the upper hand. But the ball will not be be in my court, until the moment you stand on my doorstep.

Do you know why? I was just wondering. Do you know how happy we will be? You feel it all of the time. I know you do. Do you know how happy our song will be? I was just wondering.

The Tortured Poets Department – an Interpretation by a Tortured Novelist

TTPD, The Tortured Poets Department, Taylor Swift, Elaina Avalos
Photo by Elaina M. Avalos

I’ve recently discovered that some of my writing – to include this post (which I’ve now removed) have been plagiarized by others and at least one “Swift-tok” content creator. I’m super disappointed in this, but not exactly surprised. As a result, I’m removing much of my original content from my website, in terms of analysis and/or my creative writing until/unless content creators can give credit to those who inspire or contribute to their content.

As an English major, there were often times when a line in someone else’s analysis of a novel or poem inspired a research paper or my own analysis. But that credit was given. A group of my favorite SwiftTok creators will usually credit each other for ideas they may expound upon in their own videos. The last video I saw from this person she absolutely has not credited anyone for her ideas and used some of my content, word for word. Homey don’t play that.

So…if you come back for more or you saw a snippet of this and thought you’d use it . . . this is my message to you – credit writers, artists or other content creators if you use their work. If you’re here from an image search, I’m sorry I don’t have more to share. But I won’t have my words stolen because someone is trying to make cash on TT, from posting content and they don’t have their own original thoughts about such content.

You should be more careful about plagiarism because you may be copying one of your followers.

Finally, it’s very anti-Swiftian, to do something like this. As they say in my professional circles, “Go pound sand.

From The Black Dog Variant (CD) of TTPD…

the black dog variant, the black dog, taylor swift, the tortured poets department, TTPD, elaina avalos
Photo by Elaina M. Avalos. The use of the word “artifacts” is another tie to It Hits Different/Midnights.

the manuscript variant, the manuscript taylor swift, ttpd, the tortured poets department, elaina avalos
Photo by Elaina M. Avalos