To my Son’s Mommy

_...Mourn with those who mourn._ Romans 12_15

To my Son’s Mommy,

You are grieving now and I am grieving with you. While we still wait for a court to make a decision, I want you to know that I love him with all of my heart. I would do anything for him.

You may hate me now. But I will speak of you, sweetly. I will be excited when he speaks of you – because he deserves this. And I will cry with him, when he cries because he misses you.

But tonight I want you to know that I grieve for you, mama.

I know you don’t believe this now. But I pray someday you will.

I love him with everything I’ve got. So you know what that means? I care deeply for you, too. I don’t understand what you’ve been through in life. And even recently, I’ve been hurt by things you’ve said. But you are the mother of some beautiful, resilient, strong, and creative children.

For a long time, I prayed for your success. And now I’ll pray the same – while I pray for healing and hope.

I prayed that these days that appear to be approaching – would not. I believed you could do it because I’d met your son – and got to know a couple of your other children. I believed in you because I know I see you, in them. I know I see you, in your funny, smart, creative, son.

So I believed in you.

And I prayed for you.

And I grieve for you now.

This evening in the car, our sweet boy said something about visiting you and the tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t answer him, through my tears, as he said, “Mama A? Did you hear me?” He wanted me to answer, but the emotion had overtaken me.

I don’t want your family to break apart. I don’t know how I’ll ever explain this to him or how I’ll comfort his heart when it aches. I believe we have bonded. I believe with all of my heart he knows I love him and that he is safe here. I also know he loves me.

But you will always be mommy. I will never take that away from him. His plan has changed to adoption. I pray I’ll always know how to keep him tied to you, though legally I have begun to plan for him to be mine. In all other ways, he already takes up every part of my heart (including some places in my heart I didn’t know existed).

But I don’t want your family to be broken apart. Yet, we have choices to make about our path ahead, mama. I hope you will make a choice now – to work alongside me. This seems hard to imagine through your grief and anger.

_No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear._ - CS Lewis

But I promise you, he is loved with everything I’ve got. I hope someday, when he walks across the stage to get his HS Diploma – you are there too. I hope someday, when he waits for his bride in a church, you are there too. I hope we will share this joy together – his Mommy and his Mama A.

I pray that it will not just be me alone experiencing what remains of all of his “firsts” in life. I hope you will be there too.

But the choice is yours.

Until then, I’ll love and raise your boy to be a strong, good, man. And hope and pray you’ll be there to see it too.

Praying for your heart.

– Mama A

Rejecting Pinterest Perfect

Pinterest, Pinterest Mom, Elaina Avalos, Chasing Dreams, Rejecting Pinterest Perfection

My son’s 7th birthday was last weekend. I am a first time mom at 42. My life is filled with firsts these days. He has been with me for a handful of months. He may be with me forever. I … Continue reading