Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you feel like you have next to no one that you can trust? Or maybe I should say that in a specific environment you have no one to trust. Even worse, if you’re in my shoes, you have to keep faking as if you do trust. In a rare moment today, some truths were revealed in the midst of this very precarious position I’m in. I wasn’t shocked by the truths spoken. I’ve known them all along.
What I longed for in that moment was one particular person – one friend – to be here. I wished – I am still wishing, I could pick up my phone and call or text him, so I could tell him what happened. I wish he was around so he could hear me tell this story. I’m certain we would have a good laugh. He would laugh at me. And then we would get pretty angry. It’s what we’ve known all along. Oh how I wish he (you) were here now. I miss you dearly, my friend. Even more so knowing I remain out on this limb. By myself.
My mom once told me that her and some friends prayed a specific rotten person out of their lives. I started doing that awhile back about a situation I faced. But that’s not what happened. Then I tried praying myself out. That didn’t happen either. Sometimes God simply doesn’t give you what you want. He’s a real weirdo sometimes (haha).
I don’t know why that is. I don’t know why things have happened this way. I’m sure I will never understand. What I do know for certain is that there have been lessons I needed to learn about calmly walking through unfavorable circumstances – relying first and foremost on God. And then, beyond that, I’ve needed to learn how to take care of myself first & to practice mindfulness. I’m learning more about staying in the moment, reducing stress and anxiety, and focusing on what I can control (not much hahaha). I’m growing in these areas, more than ever before. So while I can’t say I understand the why, I do believe I will be a better person at the end of this mess.
That said, I may see how I can and will be better. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m missing you, my friend. I don’t care if I embarrass myself a million times over writing it (or feeling it for that matter). And I may also embarrass myself trusting Him when I can’t see or understand, but I do.
“And if you never come back If you never call I say I’ll understand when I don’t at all
‘Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you The trouble with wanting is I want you The trouble with wanting is I want you And I want you all the time” – Joy Williams
I don’t understand. I don’t think I ever will. But I’m certain, somewhere in the quiet places, I’ll always miss you. Around dark corners, when the busy days grow quiet – I will wonder. I will think of you.
These days, when the day fades, in the quiet of these humid summer evenings, I wish to understand. But the artist in me knows that the beauty in life, is often found in the grey. In the hazy spaces, where things don’t make sense, is where life grows deeply vibrant. Pain turns to growth. We find truth, art, beauty. It’s sometimes buried deep – but by God – it’s there.
My greatest joy has always been born from pain.
I am not sure I’ll ever understand. But I’ve certainly learned, in a way that makes me a better version of me, from what I’ve lost or don’t understand. And you, the man I’d burn it all down for, are no different.
“There are more questions than answers. In the beauty of this wild thing, I long for you. What is and will not be follows me around like a coastal fog. Through the haze I see you. I don’t hold it against you – you can’t tame wild things.
I live here in this tension, with what will not be, settling into the cold, wild – alone.”
I don’t hold it against you.
But, I think somewhere in my heart, I will always miss you.
I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve wanted to – but it hasn’t been there. The words are jumbled in my head. I couldn’t quite get them to flow to my fingertips. There have been some tough things going on. If I didn’t work where I work, I might share. Maybe they’ll appear in a book someday (people who have been mean to me should watch out – haha). I haven’t been able to work on the novels, either. Last weekend, I got a stack of books at the library on our local military installation. I came home and read non-stop (except to sleep) the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday. It was glorious. I read more this week than I have in ages (after work). I come home and climb into bed to read. The TV hasn’t been on much. It has been restful in that sense.
The energy to work on the novels has been missing. The inspiration feels a little lost in the challenges of the day to day. In other news, my muse is being a real $%&* and doesn’t feel like coming out to play. But one thing I’ve learned lately is to accept what is in the moment. There’s so much freedom in that. I don’t feel much desire to coax it out of me. I’m dealing with a bunch of stuff I’d rather not. Why beat myself up if I don’t feel it right now?
That said, I’m making an attempt this evening, whilst making a cake and potato salad (haha), to do a little reading in my manuscript, with the hopes I can get the juices flowing again. But I will say that if it doesn’t happen, I’m not putting many “shoulds” on me going forward.
So I guess that’s what this little post is about – don’t should on yourself. There’s so much pressure around us to be and do things that others think we should do and be. We do it to ourselves, too. I can’t do that anymore. The pressure I’ve placed on myself is not pressure that needed to be placed on me.
So tonight, if I end up climbing in bed to read more of Beach Music, that’s the way it goes. A lot has happened. I don’t know what the future holds. I mean, I know what I want. What will actually be? No clue. I have carried more than I needed to. I’m certain others can relate. So I’m sharing here to encourage you to do the same – don’t should on yourself.
As for the song, I’m all over the place right now – uncertain about the future, missing what’s missing, and a little confused. But I have a high hope. Things don’t make sense now. But I’m certain they will. So while I’m waiting for the picture to be more clear, I’ll keep hoping and praying for what I’ve waited for, for so long.
“Know you’re coming from a bad place Honey, I was there just yesterday So I know the time it’s gonna take For you to feel like you again
Wonder if you’re seeing colours yet And if your spirit needs a tourniquet ‘Cause if it does I can hold you tight enough Help you forget ’em for a minute, love I know you got a heart of gold You wear it like an olden rose
I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope We can climb this burning rope And I’ll be here if you need me If you don’t, just know I’ve got a high, high, high, high hope”
Yesterday, I shared about being stuck. I interviewed for a job in South Carolina last week. I found out today, that I didn’t get it. The thing is, I’ve been trying to work myself into a new career for quite some time. In my current role, what I write and share is becoming more challenging. And I haven’t even gotten to what I really need to write and share. Never mind the fact that I feel the current career is not compatible with the family life I’ve waited and prayed for for so long. And yet, I feel strongly that leaving my current career path – that I can’t seem to move out of – is part of me fulling stepping into my calling in life. Isn’t that weird?
There are other things that I think might fall into place if I change roles, too. I’m stuck in many different ways. It feels a little like torture. I know that the popular thing is to say is that a closed door means something isn’t meant for you. And while I’d agree that maybe that specific job isn’t meant for me – what the overall goal is? No dude. Those closed doors are not indications that I’m barking up the wrong tree with my calling and what I’m meant to do and be.
If you’re in a similar position where your dream continues to be pushed back – or in part anyway – keep pressing. I have had to work through plenty of discouraging barbs today as I think about why I’m still where I’m at. I don’t understand. It’s rough. But I wanted to share a little encouragement, because I sure needed it. I’m sure someone else does, too.
There’s an account I follow on Instagram (@wetheurban). There are often super encouraging tidbits posted each day. But here’s the one that blessed me this afternoon, “Free yourself from worrying your mind about ‘how it was supposed to be’ and try to practice non-attachment. You’re a river, not a rock.”
I hope that someone, somewhere finds that encouraging. I did.
There’s a song I love – “I Was Born to Love You” by Ray LaMontagne. It runs through my mind constantly these days. I’ve sat down about fiddy billion times, to write something based on the song – but every time I do – life takes over and I lose my mojo.
There’s a lot going on at the moment. I haven’t written consistently in a couple weeks. It’s a huge bummer. I was writing a ton. There are things going on at my day job – throw in some stuff on my heart – and phew, after work, I just don’t have anything left. But this song – this song. I was born to love you – the lyrics play over & over again in my head – as I wonder when I’ll get unstuck from this place that costs me far too much.
The problem is, that when I set out to write or work toward other goals, reality steps in and I can’t quite get there. There’s a saying that goes something along the lines of create a life you don’t need a vacation from. While I don’t 100% agree with that statement, because life isn’t always gonna be walk in the park/vacay, there’s something to that idea. For years now, I’ve been trying to re-arrange my professional life in a way that makes room for what I’ve wanted most for my life. It seems that I can’t quite get there though. For me, creating this life is about making room for what matters most to me, what I feel most called to do, and somewhere in there – the family that has eluded me so far. It’s not that these things aren’t possible in my current career, they’re just constrained is all – especially now.
I read the following on Steven Furtick’s Facebook page – posted a short time ago, as I was writing this meandering & weird missive, “When you feel stuck, that means you’re on the verge of something significant. God has his hand on your life. Don’t stop now.” In this moment when I am feeling more stuck than ever before, when I’m tempted to think the struggle is a sign (that I should give up), I’m more certain than ever before, that I’m on the right track.
I was born to love you. I’m going to write it – as I wrote Wild Things, when the reminder of another favorite song seemed to fit my August of 2020, so well. It’s my little act of defiance and a reminder to myself of what I hope is waiting on the other side.