I miss you today. I miss you often. Some days hit a little different though. Today it’s the sound of your voice and how I feel when you look at me – in that way you do – that I’m missing. The way you look at me always knocks me a little off center. Mostly because I equally long for it and fear it, at the same time. Fear it because I love you through this wild, alone.
If there’s one thing I need now, it would be to hear you say my name – to hear your voice. That and having this thing that stands between us, a distant memory.
When I was a kid, we camped on the beach. The waves crashed against the course sand – endlessly through the night. They were an ever present reminder of how something so wild and unruly can also be stable and predictable. How weird is that? Loving you is like that. Deeply comforting. Wildly unpredictable. And on days like today, as needed as the breath that fills my lungs.
I haven’t shared a lot about my faith on this site or anywhere, in a long time. Mostly because I didn’t want to sound preachy when I’m not really some paragon of faith. I’m still figuring it out. But I watched this sermon earlier {While cleaning the kitchen by the way. I like this online church deal.} and I felt really compelled to share.
One of my favorite dudes in the Bible, even though his story is also super annoying {because God just does whatever He wants – against what we think should happen}, is that of Joseph. This guy. Man, did he ever go through some crap. Unlike other well-known stories, Joseph didn’t make tons of bad choices. Moses did stuff he shouldn’t have done. So did Jacob. Jonah literally ran away from what God told him to do. I could go down a long list. Joseph, as a teenager, immaturely told his brothers about his prophetic dream {that they would one day bow down to him}. Now, that was a pretty big problem for them (haha) and they literally sold him into slavery because of how they viewed this. But he was a dumb kid. He was immature. But unlike David, he didn’t murder the husband of his mistress. I mean, Joseph kind of suffered for more than two decades from an immature decision. But the truth is, it was all part of this huge plan. We want to get to the good part. And we usually don’t like the wait. We definitely don’t like going through dark, bad things to get to the good part.
Joseph’s story was dark. He was accused of rape, wrongly imprisoned, ignored by men he helped save and wasn’t paid back for his excellent work ethic and service. He was left to rot in a prison for heaven’s sake. But at the end of the day, the good part was coming. It just took way longer than what we think it should have been. Ultimately, it took two decades before his dream became a reality. When it did, it saved his family and he lived a long, prosperous life with children and grandchildren, after that.
I have been following some of Steven Furtick’s sermons {Elevation Church}, recently. There’s been a common theme for me in what he’s been teaching – that also fits into other things I seem to reading and seeing come across my path. I think God is trying to tell me something. Today’s message was good and as I mentioned above, I felt compelled to share. If you are going through a dark time – particularly if you are delayed in seeing those good things coming your way, consider watching. My words for the year are hope & faith. This was a little reminder not to give up – to press forward with hope and faith. The good part is coming.
Between my temporary role opening an event venue, past events I’ve planned, recipes, decorating inspiration, novel inspiration, and about a million other things, I adore Pinterest. I use it all of the time and sometimes like a search engine – especially when searching for something related to events or novel writing. I used to do this very thing when I was a kid, using my favorite magazines to collect vision boards and design inspiration. I only have one scrapbook of images left. If you can believe this – it’s from Victoria Magazine and is largely event, entertaining, and wedding inspiration. Now instead of magazines, I use Pinterest for my inspiration and vision boards.
Do you use Pinterest? I’d love to follow you there. Share a link to your profile (or follow me and I will follow back).
There was a moment recently when I contemplated the type of relationship I want in my life, with the right one, and along with that, the type of relationship I deserve. The moment came about as I prepared myself for a little heartbreak. I’m sure some of you out there know what I mean. As you anticipate facing that someone may not feel the same way about you, that you feel for them – you may ask yourself a lot of questions. Did I miss something or misunderstand his attention? Is this the type of man I want to be with, anyway? Is this what I want – that I’m so confused about how he feels? I mean, I should know, not be confused. I deserve to know.
The funny thing is, I’ve seen flashes and pops of what I deserve, but remain in this awkward spot where what I think is still possible, remains just outside my reach. I go all in and love fully. I’m passionate and give everything I have to those I love and care for. I want that in return. I deserve that, no? I think as women we are sometimes willing to compromise or make excuses – accepting less than what we should. And certainly less than what we deserve.
Perhaps I shouldn’t say it’s just “women” who do this. But I can only speak for myself and certainly witness this in the lives of women I know and care about. I want the same kind of love that I give. I don’t want some halfhearted & flimsy love. I don’t want someone that’s not wildly passionate about me – in the same way I am about him. Life is too short to settle for someone’s lukewarm feelings about you, you know?
One of my favorite TV shows, at one time, was Scandal. There’s a line that Olivia Pope said about the love she wanted, that took on a life of its own. There are people who thought it was kind of dumb. In some ways, I understand the criticism. Here’s the bit of dialogue and then I’ll explain how I interpret what she says. By the way, if you haven’t seen it, she’s talking to the the man she’s dating – but their relationships is all sort of ho-hum. By the way, she’s already experienced what she really wants – so she knows what’s up.
Olivia Pope : Edison, I’m really sorry. I could marry you. I could be a Senator’s wife. I’d probably be happy. I could probably give all this up and live in a country house and have babies and be normal. I could. But I don’t want to. I’m not built for it. I don’t want normal and easy and simple. I want… I want… Edison Davis : What? What? What do you want, Olivia? Olivia Pope : I want painful – difficult – devastating – life-changing – extraordinary love. Don’t you want that, too?
Some view this “painful, difficult” thing as weird and kind of dysfunctional. But the truth is, what Olivia was getting at was that she’d seen this wildly passionate, all-consuming, he won’t give up on me and pursues me at all costs, kind of love. And once she’d seen it, she couldn’t quite settle into this quiet thing Edison offered her. I don’t think anyone watching the show would’ve seen Edison as a bad dude. In fact, he’s a very likable character. But we’d already seen her love with Fitzgerald Grant and – I mean, there is no comparison between the two.
Edison may have been stable, but he was also just sort of blasé. Olivia & Fitz had a reoccurring fantasy about their post-Presidency life in Vermont where Olivia would make jam in their big house. It’s not that Olivia didn’t want this sort of country house and having babies, kind of life. She did want normal, ultimately. But she wanted a man who’d burn down the world to get that with her. And Edison wasn’t it – even though he was a good dude.
So yeah, I want a man that would burn down the world to make me part of his life. Because I’m certainly ready to do that for him. I don’t know exactly what your thing is and what it is that you’re looking for. But I do know that there comes a time that we as women need to stop making excuses or accepting the tepid attention of men who aren’t all in. I don’t want a man that’s not all in. I won’t accept it in my life, either.
Funny enough, the all-in way he pursues me (the way we pursue each other) is ultimately what I believe leads to the “peace” mentioned above. There’s no need to settle for table scraps. I’ve never been willing to accept second-best anything. And I’m not about to start now. I don’t think any of us should.
It’s Tuesday and I’m feeling all sorts of feelings today. I’m also diving into another freaking re-write of A Thousand Years. Sometimes I think it’s torture to be a writer {can I get a witness?}. This would be the third reincarnation of this love story. Maybe the third times the charm.
Here are some random musings & three four of my favorite songs this week:
Feeling resigned to my fate, today. I’m learning to be at peace with this. Maybe my new adventure needs to cook a little while longer? Perhaps it will come when it’s good and ready?
I am enjoying a glass of cheap cabernet sauvignon {Winemakers Selection} tonight. I haven’t bought wine in a while because my old lady metabolism needed some drastic help to get working again {getting older as a woman, is just plain rude}. I’ve lost 10 pounds so I’m having a little treat. Also, for a cheap wine, it’s pretty good.
Below are three of my newly discovered favorite songs for the week. Into the Mystic by Van Morrison is an honorable mention. I’d forgotten how much I love this song “I wanna rock your gypsy soul…” How do I get a hold of the man that will rock my gypsy soul? Also, why is Van Morrison so good? Oh! The second honorable mention goes to the stunning Joy Williams with The Trouble with Wanting. Oh shoot, maybe that’s my favorite this week? I just added it. “The trouble with wanting is I want you/And I want you all the time.”
I love planning events. I’m currently in the process of planning two – with a small get-together happening this Friday {the first of three}. It gives me such joy. I’m an entertainer & hostess at heart. I don’t know why – but it truly brings me joy.
I’m currently procrastinating starting the third re-write of A Thousand Years. Someone tell me to go write.
Okay, I started working. But I’m easily distracted. I think I might as well formally set up my “office.” Perhaps that will help me stay on target? I’m currently lounging on the couch like a bum. Not the most conducive for writing. Maybe that’s my project for this weekend?
I promise this post has taken me quite some time to write. I am actually accomplishing something.
I think that’s the end of the random, this evening…
On Sunday, I shared a YouTube video from Dr. Tara Brach, on the RAIN meditation technique. But this morning, I saw that Dr. Laurie Santos had an interview with Dr. Brach on her podcast, The Happiness Lab. If I failed to explain well, please check out Episode 18 where Dr. Santos talks with Dr. Brach about how our emotions (often seen as negative emotions) or difficulties give us an opportunity to stop in the moment and connect with “what is really important to us and our happiness,” through mindfulness. The RAIN acronym stands for:
