Happy or Content?

In what is a weird twist of events, the last few weeks, outside of being utterly bummed by the state of the world, in my own tiny world – I have been happy, content – things have been good. If feels weird. It feels weird to say it feels weird. Haha.

The thing is, I had a plan for what I expected to happen next. I dreamed about what would come next. I had high hopes. And now that I’m here, I’m not sure God wants me moving on. How’s that for a kick in the pants? I literally have no idea about what comes next. Because things in my life so drastically veered off course in 2019, I don’t even know how to figure it out. At 45, this is not where I planned to be. I can’t seem to breakthrough to what I want to be doing, in spite of my experience.

I wanted to move away from this city I live in – it contains unhappy memories. I wanted a change of scenery, a new job, more opportunities to find the life I’ve been trying to chase down for a while. But here I am. Entirely uncertain about whether I’m even supposed to leave now.

I’m not exactly bothered by it. Which also, you guessed it, feels weird. With my two weeks of vacation ahead, I hope that in the rest and and time away from work, I can make sense of what this time in my life is supposed to be. Especially if it’s not what I’d been hoping for, for so long.

There is a line of thought in Christian circles, that obstacles indicate “closed doors.” That can be the case. But there are, without a doubt, times in our lives when obstacles aren’t meant to turn us away. They’re meant to be climbed over. If it’s a closed door, sometimes you just gotta open it again. Or maybe kick it in. Since when does favorable circumstances indicate that something is God’s plan or will?

He’s not exactly known for clearing the path for the average saint. Sure, he parted the Red Sea. But then, when his own people were being total douches, he was like, “Okay, dudes – you want to do it your way, enjoy wandering in the desert for 40 years.” But, even when they knew they were in a location He’d told them to go to, obstacles were found in their path.

And often, His words to them about how they solved their little problems and removed their obstacles, made zero sense on the surface of it all. So no, I don’t think “closed doors” are rock solid evidence you’re on the wrong path.

In my uncertainty, I see where there is an opportunity to trust deeper and to respond with faith, when it seems like there’s not much to work with. So in this space of being content with the unknown & happy about the end of stressful times, I’m just going to work on trust and pray until I don’t have words left.

One thought on “Happy or Content?

  1. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
    Proverbs 3:5-6

    Liked by 1 person

Thank you for taking the time to comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.