I Am Whole, Alone

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I am whole, alone.

I have always found new adventures on my own. I ain’t scared {to try just about anything I set my mind to}. I drove to another state to see my favorite singer perform at my favorite concert venue – alone. I’ve moved far from home. I’ve stayed in a small cottage outside of Asheville, by myself – trying things that weekend simply because I wanted to. I stood on the National Mall during the Inauguration in January 2001 – a day that would prove to be momentous for my career path, after standing on the steps of the Supreme Court– just a month before, certain life was about to change. I have lived fully, in the best way I knew how. I would have done more. I will do more.

When I was in college, I was willing to go anywhere or do anything, if it meant I followed a God I didn’t understand. My mantra back then, “He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.” I prayed in our tiny prayer chapel – built in the 60s -and heavy with the weight of decades of petition, grief, hope, and worry – that I’d have the faith to go wherever I was called – even if it didn’t make sense to anyone else.

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But when I stood in a quiet spot this weekend and looked out across a beautiful lake in the Blue Ridge mountains, it was you that was first in my thoughts. It was you that I wish to share that place with. I am whole, alone. I am whole because of the One that designed me. I don’t need anything but Him – not really. But I’d be lying if I said you weren’t on my mind. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want you there with me.

For my next adventures? It’s you I want with me. I don’t know what the next adventures are. I don’t have a plan {except to write my stories}. For the first time in my life, I’ve slowly begun to accept alternate versions of the one adventure I always saw for my life. I don’t have a plan – accept to follow where the path leads, whatever that means.

I’ve tried for a long time to reason myself into indifference. It’s not working. I miss you, today. And all the days prior. I am whole, alone. But it’s you I want here with me. Come walk alongside me.

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