Nothing Will Fall Out As You Expect

north topsail island, topsail beach“Nothing will fall out as you expect. Your guide will keep to no beaten path. He will lead you by a way such as you never dreamed your eyes would look upon. He knows no far, and He expects you to fear nothing while He is with you.” – Streams in the Desert

I’ve been reading the Streams in the Desert devotional on and off for many years. I don’t read it everyday anymore. Sometimes I open it on the exact day, in the exact moment, that I need to read it. Today, I opened it to the April 16th entry and it met me right where I’m at.

Nothing has happened like I expected and certainly not how I “planned.” There are days when this overwhelms me with grief. Today started off that way. It’s a holiday. That usually happens on holidays. I watched a video on Facebook {this one} and that threatened to take me a little further down the path to being overwhelmed.

I cried. I’m not going to lie. I started to wander down that ugly path that takes me to the inevitable end: wondering why it is that this life I’ve always wanted and dreamed of still remains so far off. Usually when that happens I don’t come back very quickly or easily. It takes me awhile to work my way back from the hurt.

But something different happened entirely. The sadness happened for the briefest of moments. And then I turned my thoughts towards what God has for me. The questions were there . . . why is what I want so far off? Why do You – God – keep all of this from me?

Something stirred in me though. Something different. The reminders of what I don’t have, were met with reminders of those who clung to hope, and their faith, long after it made sense to do so. The verse that goes along with the April 16th devotional is Hebrews 11:8. Hebrews 11 is always described as the faith hall of fame, in one way or another.

By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going. – Hebrews 11:8

Whether it was Joseph {his story always means the most to me}, Abraham, Sarah, orΒ Moses, yjey clung to promises long after reason and logic would tell them to do so. Β They didn’t know where they were going. They didn’t take hold of the promise within an amount of time that seems reasonable {to me anyway}. And yet, they held on.

Holidays are always the hardest. I miss what is missing {obvi} and on these days I fear that it will always be this way. But today, against reason and logic, I know it won’t be. I know I’m just gearing up for the next adventure. My prayer today has been – lead me to the next adventure, Lord.

I’m ready.

“Where’d Who Go?”

You win the Expert Movie Quote Guesser Award if you know what movie the title of this post, comes from. “Remember boys, no points for second place” {same movie}. And using our friend Google doesn’t count.

But I digress. Where’d I go? I don’t even know where to begin so I won’t go back in time. Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. But it got me here. In a way, I might be five years down a rabbit hole. And where am I now? Sick {literally} and hoping desperately that I’m turning a corner – physically and spiritually.

Tonight I go in for an MRI because of a mass on my liver. Let’s just say I’m trying to convince myself it’s out of an abundance of caution. But there’s always this nagging “what if.” And then next week, on the 10th, I’m going in for a stress test because of some chest pain.

Meanwhile, there’s some other stuff going on. What it brings me to is that I have stressed myself here. I’m working on getting myself out. The writing is good {the fiction that is}. But the living has not been good. I have not been living as I want to live.

How many times do we watch as time passes, wishing we could do things differently? Well, now is that time for me.